Kazakhstan: An Idiots Guide

During our first week I’ve made a few overarching (uninformed) observations regarding this wondrous country. Most of theses observations are backed by nothing more than my own misguided conclusions based solely on my view from the passenger seat of a Passat wagon. With that qualifier out of the way, we may proceed.

1. Public Works: To heat homes, there are huge pipes that run above ground all over the city and carry hot water from somewhere to each individual house. Imagine how hot the water must be when it leaves the “hot water factory” because I gotta say that when it’s coursing through our radiators it must still be like 700°… Fahrenheit! How hot is lava? Mee and I wake up every night and throw the blankets off or throw the window open (usually both) because we are broiling like two things that are usually broiled.

2. Transportation: Like a cross between Cuba and somewhere not Cuba, the autos here seem to vary in vintage from the height of the cold war to the global war on terror. The most common cars are a Russian make called “Lada”. While it is not in any of our phrase books, I’m certain that Lada means “built with coat hanger, lump o’ coal and vodka”. Or maybe it’s an acronym: Look At Dat Ass???

Public transportation features a network of forty-five year old Russian buses that resemble rusted out orange Mystery Machines. They must be constantly on the verge of giving up the ghost, but the combination of Kazak grit and prayer flags waving in the windshields keep them moving, one wheel at a time.

3. Fashion: Weather be damned, women here find a way to wear crazy knee high five-inch heeled boots through snow, ice, mud and men. The men (young and old, student and truck driver) wear fashionable pointy-toed shoes and boots. Every time we’re in public, people stare confoundedly at my Timberland’s, then slowly work their way up. When their eyes meet mine, they look thoroughly disgusted with my sloppy Yankee self. What was I supposed to do? I was told to pack practically. Another dead giveaway that you’re not from ‘round here is when you wear anything not dark, preferably black. I may have the only pair of khaki cargo pants within a 500-mile radius.

4. Shopping and Markets: Most of the grocery shopping here is done at little corner markets. There is one or more on each block, and each time we go into one, there are people stocking up on god knows what. The stores are very small, some are just 8’x10’ rooms with shelves featuring one of everything. There are a few larger ones; the one we patronize regularly is called “Viola Market.” Surprisingly, even though they don’t stock much at these stores, they don’t re-stock much either. One would think that one would note that certain items are “hot movers” and one would want to make those “hot movers” available when other ones patronized said establishment. One would be wrong! If you see it, buy it or say “da svidanya.” It won’t be there tomorrow.

For things other than groceries there is a place called the Tsum (Zoom) Store; a makeshift mall made up of a colorful array of individual shoppes. With no apparent rhyme or reason to the layout and a host of surly merchants, this place can seem a bit daunting to the unseasoned adventurer. Remember, this is a different culture. In this former Soviet country, if a merchant doesn’t acknowledge your existence, it means “Thanks, come again” and if they smile at you and act nice, it means “Die you American scum.” Either way, we win. Now the Tsum store has it all, but keep in mind, they only have one of each, so when you see it, buy it.

While I’m sure there may be a few blurry hectares in my vision of Kazakhstan, you must trust that these four bullets pretty much cover my “knowledge” on the subject. Now you too can explore Kazakhstan with the confidence that comes only by having been informed by a seasoned observationist such as myself. Adventure awaits!

P.S. We finally got to see our baby's toes, they're all there, and I can tell you they are delicious.